54. How to Master Self-Fulfilment and Your Relationships
In this episode I discusses the importance of self-fulfilment within relationships and insights on how to improve them. I emphasizes the significance of maintaining a healthy relationship with oneself while also nurturing strong relationships with others. I share my experience of trusting my husband to go on a trip to Thailand without me and why that was a no brainer, and I encourage you to take ownership of your life and not rely on others for validation or permission. I want to remind you to be real and clean up any negative energy in your relationships because it energetically effects how you show up in your business and your creativity, whether you realise it or not.
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Speaker 0 (00:00:02) - Welcome back to another episode of the Money Mindset Hub podcast. I'm your host, Carla Townsend, and I am stoked that you are here. I always am. So if you're a reoccurring listener, maybe you're an OG listener from way back when. Thank you so much. I adore you. I appreciate you and I just love doing this. I love being able to put out free content in this way and it just feels really good. I've clearly, you've got a very open voice chat, Russ, so this is the easiest way. If you're new to me, welcome . You'll notice that I love a chat, I love a tangent, but I'm gonna give it to you straight. I'm not the sort of coach or mentor that will to tell you what you want to hear, but I will to tell you what I truly see. And please trust that it always comes from a super loving place because this journey has, it's been a long time coming like this has been a solid decade of building myself and you know, a few years now of building a business.
Speaker 0 (00:00:55) - But the woman that I am today is so far apart from who I used to be and honestly, this woman is someone that I never thought would actually have been birthed in this way because I didn't think I had what it took. I had no self-confidence, I had no self-belief, I had no clarity. I literally was just like at a loss as to who I was, what I was doing, what I was gonna achieve in my life. There was always things that I had envisioned about doing and having and achieving in my life, but there was also a hell of a lot of deep rooted lack of self-belief and a mirage of limiting beliefs that just held me back for many, many years until I decided. So I made that definite decision to actually change and do something different. And that's a really, really powerful thing.
Speaker 0 (00:01:46) - And one of the big reasons why I made that decision was actually because of my husband. So my husband Michael and I really wanna talk about relationships today. , you have engaged. I really wanna talk about relationships today because I think that they are, they make up our life. Our experience of life is based upon the relationships that we have with others and ourself. So in this episode, I really wanna explain, I guess self and then partnership as well. The closest people to us, whether you have a partner or not, you know, still there's gonna be a hell of a lot of gold in this that I want you to take away and reflect and, and see what's going on in your own personal life and maybe what you can, what you can tweak or what you can be aware of. Because that's always the first step.
Speaker 0 (00:02:32) - It's always about being aware of what's actually going on, what is actually happening, and being a neutral observer. Being a neutral observer of the situations, of the circumstances, of the conversations, of the thoughts, of the feelings of the actions. And from there, making a clear decision on what you decide you're going to take forward and what you decide you're gonna let go. And sometimes that actually means letting go of people and that can be really tough. Whether it's a breakup with a partner, whether it's a breakup with a friend, like stepping away from certain people is a big, big thing. But yeah, okay, we're gonna dive into that. Anyway, so before I get started, this month is actually my birthday month. So I am 32 at the end of the month and I'm not really not someone who celebrates birthdays that big. However, I thought, how can I play with this?
Speaker 0 (00:03:25) - Because that's the way the business gets to be more fun is to have more play. So I asked myself, how could I have fun with this? What could I do that's fun this month? In order to celebrate that, I've decided to create a universal money archetype blueprint, which whether you are an accumulator, alchemist, celebrity connect, ruler, romantic maverick, or a nurturer, I've got your back. That is going to be a digital download. It's just incredible, honestly, it's gonna kickstart your journey like nothing else. So that is going to be $32. I'll also put the links on the show notes. So $32 for a Money Archetype blueprint with all of the eight money archetype cards, all the journal prompts, the strengths, the challenges, the sacred money contract, all the things that you would need to know to enhance your money mindset as well as understand people's money, mindset, your close friends, your close family, even your clients and how they think, feel, or behave with money based on their archetypes.
Speaker 0 (00:04:27) - It is so influential, not just for yourself, but for everyone else in your life to also understand how you can speak to them, then why they might view things differently. It just really opens up your awareness. Let me get in today's episode, which really sort of stemmed from a conversation that I had with Michael last week. So last week he booked flights to Thailand. So as you're hearing this, he's currently over living his best life in Thailand with his best mate. But right now as I'm recording this, it is like two days before he goes anyway, so he'll be up having the best time ever and I'm excited for him. I'm actually really excited for him. I was encouraging him to go. He said he would really like to go and visit him. You know, he's over having a holiday for a little while, having a bit of space and he said, I really wanna go visit him.
Speaker 0 (00:05:10) - I said, I think you should. I think you should. How often do you get to go on holidays with your best mate over in Thailand and just spend quality time like that for a whole week? You know, you might get an afternoon or a night or a day or even a weekend, but when do you ever get to do that? We book the flights and everything. So the flights are all booked, he's all sorted, he's ready to go. He's already nervous because he's never been away from the kids and I for that long, like maybe a weekend and that is it. Pretty much same like me. I've only been away from him for a weekend or a night probably, probably one night if I'm honest. But he's already nervous. He goes, I don't think I'm gonna wanna do it again already because I can already see how much I'm gonna miss you guys.
Speaker 0 (00:05:52) - And I said to him, you don't get these opportunities very often, so I think you should just go do it. Like go and do it, have fun and plus like get some peace and quiet and fill up your own cup. Like yes, you're gonna be spending time with your best mate, but you're also gonna be having time to yourself where it's just you and you get to reconnect with you and just get used to being in your own space and having that silence like peace and quiet and to just rest and relax and recoup, right? And he said to me, he said, thank you, thank you for allowing me to go. Not that I was giving him permission, he didn't ask for me for permission and not that I would want him to. He was like, I think I wanna do this. I'm like, go for it .
Speaker 0 (00:06:34) - I was like, go, go to Thailand please. But um, yeah, he said Thank you so much because when he was mentioning it to guys that he works with, they said, oh my God, I can't believe your wife is letting you go. And he is like, what do you mean letting me go? And but then as they got talking they're like, oh, my wife would never let me go. My wife would never let me go to Thailand for a week without her and the kids or none of that. She would never approve of that. And when we're discussing that in my head, this is my view of it. My view is yes, we are husband and wife and we are mom and dad, but we are also Mick and Carla. And just because we are married and just because we are parents doesn't mean we get to forget about ourselves.
Speaker 0 (00:07:20) - Doesn't mean we get to forget that we also live an individual life and we need to feel fulfilled in our individual lives. And yes, relationships are huge part of that, but your relationships with others are so important to that. But your relationship with yourself is where you find true happiness, that inner peace within yourself and loving being in your own company. That is when you've reached the the pinnacle of peace when you actually enjoy being in your own company. When you actually know that you are also striving for the things that you wanna achieve in your life. And you're not just pushing everything back and changing everything and trying to make everyone else happy. And I get it because you know, we have three children right now, they're two, four, and six. So I get it that you do have to kind of put certain things on hold, especially, you know, careers and all that sort of stuff.
Speaker 0 (00:08:14) - They sort of go on hold for a little bit while you're, you know, you're growing these babies, you're raising these small babies and I get that. But at the same time it doesn't mean that you get to stop being you. And it doesn't mean that you've gotta stop going for what it is you want in life. There's like a give and a take, right? So whatever you're saying yes to, you're also saying no to something else. So whatever you're saying no to, you're saying yes to something else. So what are you saying yes to? What are you saying no to? It's like that compounding effect. What are you compounding towards? Like your small efforts every day? What are you compounding towards? Are you compounding closer towards the things that you want or are you going the opposite way? Are you going completely in the opposite direction and you're not actually that lit up, you're not actually that fulfilled, right?
Speaker 0 (00:08:51) - Everything feels like it's a bit of a shit show. So look at that because if you have that inner peace and that inner confidence and that self-belief and you don't forget who you are, just because we become parents, just because we become married, it doesn't mean we get to lose who we are. We've gotta take back ownership of that. That's our responsibility. Our responsibility is is how we act, it's how we react, it's how we show up. It's our responsibility what our lives become. It is not the responsibility of anybody else now in this instance, right? I could have absolutely turned around and said, no way. I don't want you going over there for a week. But that's not my view on it. Now go back 10 years ago and it probably would've been because the reason was not that I never trusted him, right?
Speaker 0 (00:09:41) - The reason was because my own insecurities. So if he had to asked me that 10 years ago, I probably would've said I, I don't know, I don't know about that. I really, I don't know if I really want you going over to Thailand for a week. That would be my own insecurities projecting my shit onto him. Okay? The way I see it, and I mean this with love, that if you truly don't trust the person that you are with to go on a holiday without you, what are you doing with that person? Or is it not that you don't trust them, it's that you don't trust yourself, you're not confident within yourself. There's actually a bit of shit under the surface that you need to deal with with yourself to build up that self-confidence, to build up that self-trust within yourself. Because what we see in other people is often something that we see in ourselves, whether it be triggering or not, there's usually something that's like, that's pissing me off.
Speaker 0 (00:10:36) - There's probably something within us that is doing that as well. Okay? So that's where I think the issue lies. Mick has never given me a reason not to trust him, but the fact is, if I all of a sudden had a reason not to trust him, our relationship would be very different. And I highly doubt that we would be together because I have built enough trust and confidence and self-belief within myself that I know I can be happy without anybody needing to validate me or gimme permission or lift me up or anything. I can be happier by myself because I'm pretty bloody happy of where I'm at in life. And of course a big part of that has to do with my relationships with my husband in a relationship and in a marriage, in a healthy one. At that is you want each other to live your best life together, but also separately you want each other to go and have fun and and be you not just always with them And like Mick and I have a great time, we're best friends, but we could go and do those things separately and it's not an issue.
Speaker 0 (00:11:38) - It's just like, Hey, I'm gonna go do this with my mate. And he's like, yeah, go for it and say for him, Hey, I'm gonna go Tyler for a week. You know w he actually said to me, would that be okay? More so from the point of you know, would I be okay with the kids for a week and like, would I feel safe in the house , that was the way he was asking it. And I was like, yeah, I'm sweet, it's fine. Go like please go. Go have fun. And I mean, I'm not gonna lie, Kardashians has come out a few weeks ago and I freaking love that show. It's like the only reality show that I really love other than like the real estate ones like selling sunsets. I don't care for your drama, I do not care for the drama. I'm looking at the properties, okay?
Speaker 0 (00:12:13) - Because it's expansive to me. I'm looking at the lifestyle, I'm looking at all of that and that's expansive to me . So I'm like sweet, he's gonna be gone for a week then instead of like us watching Ridiculousness together, if you don't watch that show, it's so funny. It's Rob Dear Deck and it's just a comedy year. It's just all the funny videos on the internet. We watch that at night. One or two episodes maybe at night and that's, that's pretty much my TV for the date. And we do it together. We have a laugh, but he's gonna be over in Thailand so I'm gonna be here watch catching up on the Kardashians and also probably doing a lot of visionary stuff for the business and creating and doing a lot more podcast pass and all that. I can't wait. I can't wait. I'm actually excited to have some time because it's not only like when the kids go to bed, it's my time then, whereas normally the kids go to bed and it's our time.
Speaker 0 (00:13:00) - So the pros and ones, right? I'm looking at the pros cause I'm like, this's gonna be great. He's gonna have the best time ever. He's gonna come back refreshed, rejuvenated, energized, he's gonna come back and I'll be like, sweet, I've created so much cause I had so much more space and time through myself. Um, but that's the way it is. So like I said, this has been a really long journey to get here. At the same time, like it isn't something that has just all of a sudden happened overnight. We've got this confidence, we've got this belief, we've got this trust within each other. That sort of stuff is built over time. But to put it in perspective, Mick and I have been together 11 years this month. We've been married for eight years as of the start of the year. February we've been together a long time.
Speaker 0 (00:13:37) - We've also had three kids, like I said two, four and six, right? So they're young and it's pretty much just been me and him because our family all lives like in another town about 45 minutes or so away. And so it's just been him and I like doing all this together. So we really had to become a team. But I would say the biggest thing, and this might sound super cliche and you probably heard it a million times but I'm gonna tell it to you straight, is communication. Speak to each other. If you are pissing each other off, speak to each other. Tell them, you know, that's actually really frustrating me. Do not leave shit unsaid. Do not leave stuff unsaid until you get to boiling point and it blows up. Don't do that. We've done that. I've definitely done that before. And like I'm speaking to myself here too as a reminder, like keep doing what you're doing cause it's obviously working and you're happy and you're making time for each other and you're involved and you're communicating and you're, you know what I mean?
Speaker 0 (00:14:29) - This relationship is a relationship that I dreamed of, but it wasn't like overnight I got here. It was conscious effort. It was also being each other's patent interrupters. So what I mean by patent interrupters is when you start to go on this journey of self-development I suppose, and actually really wanting to look at your own triggers and what's going on and why you act and react the way that you do. And to not do that, like to get yourself to the point that you're UNT triggerable. When you get to the point that you're UNT triggerable, that's a peaceful bliss. Let me tell you that I don't remember the last time I was triggered and it is fucking bliss, bliss not being triggered. And the reason that we got here was because I was triggered a million times. Mick triggered me, people triggered me. Like everyone triggered me.
Speaker 0 (00:15:19) - I triggered myself . But through repetition and Mick being a huge patent interrupter for me as in calling me out when I was saying things or acting in a way that wasn't aligned to what I wanted to be or do or feel or think or act, he would make me look at things differently. And sometimes it was super uncomfortable. I'd be pissed off at him for even doing that. But he kept doing it anyway and I'll do it to him too. There is nothing that I could not say to him, but I want him to be the best version of himself. He wants me to be the best version of myself together. We wanna be in united front. So together we're gonna have to call each other out on all our shit. It all comes from a loving place. But this is what you gotta do.
Speaker 0 (00:16:00) - Be the patent interrupter When you notice your partner, maybe it's your best friend, maybe it's your your family or whatever. Start call them out on certain things in a loving way. You don't even need to call them out directly. Start to ship the conversation, change the conversation. If they're going down a rabbit hole that you're like that's not gonna serve them, that's a negative vibe. I don't even wanna have that conversation because no, we're not going there. We're not going down to this negative Nancy loophole where no one's gonna get out, no one's gonna feel good when we get to the end of that conversation. So let's just switch the conversation and go on a different path and maybe look at things different. Do perspective swaps when someone's going off on a tangent and it's negative sometimes you gotta get stop off your chest. I get that.
Speaker 0 (00:16:43) - Get it off your chest in two minutes, get over it, let's move on, let's shift it. Let's actually start to look at it in different perspectives. Because the more that you do that, the less you even wanna go down that rabbit hole. The less you even wanna whinge because you're like, what's the point? It's not serving me. And if you are whinging about someone, tell that someone don't whinge behind the back, that's the biggest thing, right? So even say like with Mick and I, if he's annoying me, I don't need to talk about to my best mate. I'll tell it to him , if he's annoying me or he is doing something, I will tell him and I'll say it in a nice way like, you know what? That actually really annoyed me And we do it with parenting as well. So I wanna bring parenting into this discussion too.
Speaker 0 (00:17:23) - Now I apologize that this is just a really big tangent and I'm repeating myself a million times, but I really wanna get it clear because even with parenting you both have two different experiences and upbringings up to this point that you're now together. So you've got two different, very different views of perceptions and experiences and knowledge and all this sort of stuff. Now you're coming together, you're trying to raise these little humans, no pressure. So in that, one of the biggest things you can do is work on your communication with each other. And this is probably gonna trick people when I say this, but I'm sorry. When you're a mom and a dad, you parent together or you're a mom and mom and a dad and dad, whatever. But when you are a parents, you parent together. So learn to parent together. There is nothing worse than when your kids see you trying to be the boss over the other parent and not communicate, not collaborate.
Speaker 0 (00:18:15) - What do you think they're gonna do? If you don't agree with something that your partner has said, talk to them about it. Talk to them calmly. Don't just react. And especially in front of the kids, especially in front of the kids, I'm a big one on not doing that. If Mike says something or I say something or I do something or he does something or whatever, then we're like, Ooh, I don't know how I feel about that. Or maybe we could handle that better next time after that situation. Like we won't interrupt and be like, no, don't you say that. Don't you do that, blah blah blah to each other. No, we let each other parent how we think is the best way to parent in that moment. And then we have a chat afterwards about, you know, maybe next time this is what we should do or I, I didn't really agree with what you just did then or said then or whatever.
Speaker 0 (00:19:07) - Can we not do that again or can we think of a different way that we're gonna say that or do that but I will not do it in front of the kids and that and he won't do it in front of the kids either because mom and dad are a united front and that has helped our relationship 10 times over million times over to be honest, probably because we don't have this conflict of like, I'm the better parent , you know, my way or the highway. No thank you. I'm not about that. That is not collaborative, that's not supportive. That's you being the parent of your spouse and I'm not down with it. So that's another thing that I think has led to this point of like ultimate trust with him is like you do what you want and I do what I want. And then we come together and we have a beautiful life together as well as individually and we support each other and we do things collaboratively and yeah, we're not always gonna agree with the things that we say or that we do, but we'll talk about it and then we'll work out a plan of attack afterwards.
Speaker 0 (00:20:02) - And this also comes into like the, the other piece of the conversation. Just because he is gone to Thailand doesn't mean that I'm gonna be like better keep it a note of that he went to Thailand once, that means I'm gonna go to Thailand next time, right? Just because I go out for dinner with my mate or you know go to the city. Like last weekend I went and celebrated with my best friend and I stayed in the city with her just cause I went and did that doesn't mean that Mick's got this little black book where he's marking how many times I went out with my friends. So when he wants to go out with his friend, he's gonna bring it all back up. That kind of energy is not a vibe that kind of tit for tat. I'm like, you do what you wanna do.
Speaker 0 (00:20:43) - I don't give a shit how many times you go out for dinner and stuff. It's very, it's there's a difference, right? There's a difference. I mean he like barely ever drinks to be honest, the last 10 months he has not had a drop of alcohol and good on him. That's just what he wanted to do. So in that instance like I'm not going, you've gone out for dinner five times and I've gone out once in the last six months so now it's my turn and I need to get four more times in before you go, no, let's not do that. Who cares? You're a collaborative front. You should be happy for the other person different if it is like every single weekend they're going out and they're coming home at like 6:00 AM and then they're not helping you the next day and they're, they don't not have any time for their kids or you because they're all hungover and whatever.
Speaker 0 (00:21:23) - Very different. If you're doing that every weekend, that's another conversation, right? But this is like you know, here and there once a fortnight, once a month, whatever, whatever it is for you that you're going and doing your thing. Don't keep tabs on your partner, don't keep tabs, don't bring that up. That is a toxic energy. And again, there is something underlying at why you do that. Why are you doing that? Why do you feel the need to keep a record of how many times he or she does X amount? So then you feel like you are allowed, there is no competition people, there is no competition, there should never be a competition between you, your partners, your friends, your family, your kids. There should be no such thing as competition because in this world there is no such thing as competition or hierarchy. This is like this social, it's like a social norm to have that.
Speaker 0 (00:22:20) - We don't need to do that. And it's very toxic in relationships to have that. So got that off my chest. Anyway, I feel like I need to wrap up this conversation because I don't wanna like continue on and I don't, I don't, I feel like that's all I really need to say. All I really need to say in a nutshell is if you don't trust your partner enough to go on a holiday without you or you'll keep it tabs or it's like tit for tat or you know any of that kind of energy, it's not good. It's not good. This competitive type energy is not good. This controlling type energy is not good. If you're doing that in your relationships, where are you doing that in your business? Where are you doing that in other parts of your life? This is a big one for my business owners, which majority of you will be how you are off the field is how you are on the field.
Speaker 0 (00:23:10) - So if your relationships is there's like funky relationship vibe, this funky vibe between like you and your kids or you and your partner or you are literally got no relationship with yourself, like you don't have that much time to just connect with yourself, you don't feel that inner inner peace, it's funky energy. So then when you come to show up to work, right? Like you come on. So here you come on to report a record, a podcast. You are coaching your clients, you are delivering your services or your products or creating or whatever it is that you are doing in your business. If you've got all this like funky energy off the field in like your family, your relationships, your relationship with yourself, you're inner, inner peace, all of that. If that's all funky, trust me, it's gonna feel funky when you try and show up when you try and teach on the things, right?
Speaker 0 (00:23:55) - Especially if you are a coach and you are here teaching. If I was here teaching you all this, okay in explaining all this to you about my relationship and how it is and how I don't get down with that and that's funky energy. If I was saying that and in actual fact Mick and I are bickering and we've got a shit relationship, you're gonna feel that. You're gonna feel you're like no pose cuz that is not how it is. And that is out of integrity. That is out of integrity. So if you have funky energy off the field and then you show up and you're coaching people about self-development and energy and manifesting and all that sort of stuff, like beautiful stuff, it's beautiful. But if you've got all this funky shit going on off the field, there's a disconnect, right? That's out of integrity.
Speaker 0 (00:24:37) - It's okay to be real. There's okay to have certain things that you don't speak about of course, but clean that up. Where do you need to start going? That is not what I'm available for anymore. This is what is gonna happen going forward and make that decision. And sometimes that does mean that you need to let go of relationships. Sometimes it means that it gets to that point and that's hard. But you can do hard things and you need to think of yourself. This is where being selfish is a really good thing because at the end of the day, your happiness depends on your experience of your life, which depends directly on the relationship that you have with others and the relationship you have with yourself. That is happiness. If you want to be happy, there's your secret , you are welcome. There's true happiness, clean the shit up off the field, clean up the funky energy with the relationships with yourself and with others.
Speaker 0 (00:25:27) - Happy days. Alright, with that being said, I'll catch you in next week episode. If you wanna book of money archetype reading, you get 32% off. Or if you wanna get a copy of the Money Archetype Blueprint download with all the goods in there, it is only $32 until it is not by the end of the month linking the show notes or go to money mindset hub.com quiz. All right, thank you so much for listening to me, uh, tangent on, and I hope that you got something out of this or something landed, and if it did, I would love if you could share it with me. So, all right, I'll chat to you in the next episode. Bye.